so we never ended up going to ohio. when we got an hour away, i heard a. say something about drinking at a party, and all of a sudden i got a flash of a bunch of shit i’ve been reading in my domestic violence seminar and i fucking snapped. i just started sobbing in the backseat, saying that i couldn’t handle constantly reading this depressive-as-hell material and it affected me more than i thought. thinking about going to a metal fest with predominantly men scared the shit out of me, for the first time in my life. i didn’t want to be surrounded by drunk pieces of shit that debased me for being female-bodied and run the risk of being fucking assualted then not believed by my male friends because, you know, they mean well, and they would never do such a thing, so why would i just go on and make such scathing generalizations about all men in the metal scene? and sleeping in a punk house of some dudes that a. met on the internet? what the fuck. like i said, i’m not usually weird about that shit and do not give into the female socialization towards fear of all men, but something in me just broke.
yesterday i had a great conversation with a trans person named m. and it was so great to connect with someone to that degree. then i had to do readings for my dv class and i got so fucking frustrated i couldn’t stand it. mackinnon was pretty much saying that all pornography degrades women and is violent and men who consume it can’t be distinguised from convicted rapists and erotica is defined as “not [pornography]” which isn’t very fucking helpful. all i got out of it was that she meant to say that all men are bastards and women can’t be in hetero sexual relationships because if they have sex a certain way they’re only reinforcing their own submission to dominant men and this is eroticised by the mainstream media and you might as well become totally gay ( like her helpful friend andrea dworkin) or just never. fuck. again.
then i get online and see h. post a fucking horrific album cover that has mutilated bodies of metallic women and the ass of a robot woman being penetrated by a phallic metal tentacle. i commented about it, pointing out its lack of consent or even agency on her part and all he could say was that he “wished it look different”. its like, then why the fuck did you post it? why the fuck do i have to point this shit out for you to then say something about it? why is it okay for people who somewhat resemble me to be literally torn apart, debased, objectified and raped and i’m supposed to feel overly sensitive for fucking pointing it out? why the fuck do i have to convince you that this shit matters?
FUCK. i am so fucking sick of the good things being fucking trampled on by people who have the privilege to not face an assault on their consciousness like that.
